Episode 79 – Go Fly a Kite | Tights and Fights: Ashes, a Super Hero Comedy Web Series
Benjamin Franklin once wrote: Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time,
for that is the stuff that life is made of. Benjamin Franklin was also an asshole. No, seriously. If I remember my American
history, which I do, ’cause I’ve been there, I’ve lived it, Franklin’s only remembered for one thing.
Flying a kite during a thunderstorm. Which is stupid. And he’s never travelled through time, not
once. Oh. And, he bought and sold slaves. How ’bout that? How do your slaves love life, Ben? Dost they?
No, they dos’ent. My point is, it got me thinking. How will I be remembered? Will I be revered in my own time as a great
pioneer of space-time travel? Or will it take future generations to
recognize my greatness? It’s one or the other.
But it’s a fair question. Maybe I’ll just spend the rest of my days
flying around in a spaceship manned by a race of super intelligent space monkeys. That’s quite possible, also! And we’d probably eventually settle down
on a planet, that might, I don’t know, be inhabited by a tribe of buxom but randy
stone age women, who are eager at the sight of a man and his team of monkeys,
capable monkeys, and they would worship me as their king. That could happen. That absolutely could happen. You know what? I’m sorry. I’ve brought
back a lot of information from the future for all of you all. Let me start with this. Personal note: Stretch Lad, you need to
get that stuff off your hard drive. Like, yesterday.
OK? You’re gonna get in a lot of trouble for
that. A lot. Get rid of it. And while you’re at it, consider some
therapy. Please. Moving on. Lot of scientific advancements in the
future. I’ll start with this. We invent interstellar cruise ships that
are so fast, you get back from your vacation before you leave. Which instantly doubles the population of
the elderly. But then, in 2963, doctors cure aging. But that leads to a cultural shift where
everyone lives their lives as babies. And that of course inevitably leads to the
diaper crisis of 2971, and the brutal, brutal Rubber Duckie Wars
of 2996. Then the government’s gotta step in.
They pass a law that doesn’t let anybody live their lives under 15 years of age. Which seems great, however that leads to
a 1000 year dark ages period, where no one does anything except make out. Some of the cooler ones will get into
some heavy petting or whatever, but basically it’s just making out. And then that ultimately leads to an end
of days scenario, where creatures descended from cold sores rule the earth. So there you go. Science seems to have entirely
supplanted religion by this time. And I say that because there are no
churches. There are no steeples. There are no synagogues of any kind. All I ever see are these places called
Scientology centres. Now I’m not exactly sure what scientific
discipline that entails, but it has the word “Scient” in it, so, you
know. They also sent this message. It’s for Tom Cruise. Just gonna take the liberty of… Now, you know, is that the most useful
information I could have brought back from the future? Perhaps not. Still a lot better than anything that hump
Ben Franklin had to say. [sniffs] Hmm. Smells knowledgeable. [clears throat] Uh, I can’t say this. This is uh… That is graphic. Wow. Oh! Oh my god! This is disgusting! Who?? Oh, it’s for Mel Gibson. That makes sense. Mel’s gonna love that.