I HATE HALLOWEEN
Halloween. The October 31st annual holiday that celebrates um… What does Halloween celebrate, exactly? Well the origin of Halloween is actually an interesting tale. That’s celebrated- *doorbell rings* Sh*t. Trick-Or-Treaters, oh gimme a sec… **why is there a fully grown man dressed in cow pajamas??** Trick or Track. F*ck off. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Halloween used to represent a cool story that actually had some kind of meaning. Now, it’s a good excuse to hold large parties to get excessively drunk and wear skimpy clothing. An excuse for supermarkets to sell tacky merchandise. And most importantly of all of course, it helps the children of our nations get diabetes. So as you probably know, most people in the UK including myself, are a bunch of angry and cynical tossers who can only find enjoyment from criticizing, complaining, or making YouTube videos. And this attitude spreads to our feelings about Halloween. Seeing as the holiday takes place on October 31st Just about the beginning of our ghastly sub-zero winters. So quite simply, Halloween is a cold and miserable time when most people would rather rest in front of a fire as opposed to escorting their young children around town, practically stealing sweets from strangers they’ve probably never even met before. So Halloween is supposed to represent the end of the harvest season and it’s supposed to mark the day where the boundaries between the living and the dead overlapped. Hence why you would dress up in scary outfits to mimic or scare the evil spirits. You can really tell how this story is totally remembered and is the prime focus of the holiday, right? **No** Right?? So as it stands right now, I am not a fan of Halloween purely because it is more of a corporate excuse to sell crappy merchandise rather than have a genuinely meaningful holiday. But you know what? This year, I’m going to try something special. I’m going to attempt to do some traditional Halloween things I’ve never done before to see if it changes my mind on what I think about the holiday. While I highly doubt it will, I may as well at least give it a try. So first thing on the list, make a costume! Right, this should be simple enough. Just change my face to a pumpkin in post will you Aqualad? **epic typing ensues** **hacking intensifies** There. Well that was boring, simple, and involved me having to waste my time drawing a pumpkin. So at the moment, f*ck Halloween. Okay then what’s next? Trick-or-treating. Oh yes, the part where I ask random strangers to give me free food or I threaten to damage their property or well-being through means of trickery Now this is more like it! Trick-Or-Treat. Mate you’re like, 20 years old. Y-you can’t trick or treat. What? Well why not?! Mate. It’s only for kids. Oh sorry, my mistake. I didn’t read the Halloween Rulebook! You know what mate, you’ve got a good costume though. Oh, give me a second, I’ll go grab something. Huh. Well that was simple enough. Here you go! Really? You have to be that one guy who gives everyone fruit? Oh screw this. Right, so Trick-or-Treating was an awful and disastrous experience. I guess now- Woah! Oh no… This is the worst trick in all of Halloween history. Some bastard has brought Kite Man back to life Yes, it is I! Back from the grave… You know what? I don’t even care how you were brought back to life s-so don’t even tell me. W-well uh, oh… Well, you sure ruined my monologue I was about to make. Yeah. I don’t care. Now f*ck off. Nyeh! I will get revenge for that! You will see… You will see! My Monologue will return! God, I am sorry about that. That was, that was awful. So anyway. Where was I? Oh yeah, I’ve got one more thing to do to make my Halloween complete. Carve a Jack-O’-Lantern. So let’s see what this is all about. **stock music intensifies** .-. Well this sucks ass. **hardcore rock music joins the battle!** **are you okay Alex?** **mental breakdown intensifies** o-o **is this ‘Law and Order: Special Victims Unit’?** Ah. So you know what? I tried, people. I really tried to like Halloween. I just can’t do it. Perhaps one day some friendly Americans could show me how to do it properly, but until that day comes… …f*ck this holiday. Hey, just a friendly reminder to like my obligatory Facebook page for the latest updates or whatever bollocks I’m doing. Bye!